Polyamory Won’t Fix Your Relationship, but It Sure Will Expose It

What happens when people open a relationship without unpacking everything monogamy taught them first?

In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O’Malley and Dr. Liz Powell sit down with Kristen VanKlootwyk, psychotherapist and co-creator of The Non Monogamy Card Game, to talk about the communication that doesn’t always happen in poly relationships…but really should. Then, they discuss two struggling Redditors: one man who’s struggling to find dates when his wife isn’t, and a woman who said yes to opening a relationship to make her husband happy, but now she’s miserable.

Highlights of the episode:

• How you can improve your relationship communication with The Non-Monogamy Card Game

• Healthy communication in poly relationships will help you gain a Jedi-like sense of self-awareness

• Why polyamory isn’t just about balancing multiple relationships, but also your self-care and personal needs

• Old people are getting busy, and that’s GREAT 😉

• A loving reminder of what boundaries are, and why it’s your job to enforce them

Polyamorous or monogamous, communication, emotional processing, and boundary setting are all necessary skills to build relationships that work for everyone involved. So open up your notes app and get ready for all the resources, gentle reminders, and nerdy metaphors you need to create relationships that truly bring you joy.

Who is Kristen VanKlootwyk, and what is The Non Monogamy Card Game?

Kristen VanKlootwyk is a psychotherapist who, along with their good friend Ayala, set out to create a resource to help friends and clients ask the right questions and engage with their partners to build strong poly relationships. After developing 150 foundational and developmental questions, they released The Non Monogamy Card Game as a versatile resource to help guide and facilitate meaningful conversations.

Time Stamps

00:00 - Introducing Dr. Liz, Harris, and Kristen

01:25 - Addressing the hate comments

03:57 - What is The Non Monogamy Card Game?

06:50 - Expectations of polyamory vs the reality

08:15 - Jealousy vs compersion and emotional processing

12:10 - Late-stage capitalism and changing relationship structures

13:38 - Neurodivergence and geek culture in non-traditional relationships

16:56 - Scheduling and emotional labor in polyamory

18:55 - The most important relationship questions people forget to ask

24:00 - The importance of communication in any relationship structure

26:51 - Cultural conditioning around monogamy

29:03 - Ageism, fatphobia, and stereotypes in poly communities

33:35 - Insecurity in opening relationships

39:14 - Reddit story #1: a man struggles to find dates when his wife doesn’t

41:54 - Why women are hesitant to date men

45:12 - Connect with people in the non-monogamy community

47:20 - How to bring up that you’re poly in a conversation

54:01 - Why do you want to try polyamory?

01:00:51 - Slow dating might help build better connections

01:06:11 - What is being poly about?

01:09:58 - Reddit story #2: my husband is poly, but I don’t think I am

01:16:31 - Love has nothing to do with compatibility

01:19:04 - Attachment wounds, boundaries, and acceptance

01:26:00 - It’s okay to grow apart

01:29:40 - How willing are you to accept reality?

01:51:44 - What is a boundary?

01:57:36 - Where to find The Non Monogamy Card Game

01:58:37 - Where to find Harris and Dr. Liz

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